Uncle Bae’s Diary: An Apology to Peter Mutharika, get well soon Pinocchio


    By Uncle Bae

    “An apology is the superglue of life! It can repair just about anything!!” – Lynn Johnston.

    Misinformation can be a menace, especially when the subject matter is a man lacking integrity as you.

    When I, in this worn out diary I inherited from my good think tank Raphael Tenthani that you have prolonged your stay in US where you went to attend a seven days UNGA session, I had been misinformed that you enjoying the erotic lap dances of Las Vegas Strippers.

    Well, given the scandals that have characterised your reign, and the company you keep, it seemed a plausible explanation. It is hard to argue against any insinuation that paints you as a sick sadist, perhaps because in a way that’s what you are.

    Nonethless, I am an African. I pride myself in the values of Nelson Mandela, of truth, reconciliation and Ubuntu.

    Hence, I can imagine the shame I put you through my dear President – although deep down I wonder if you felt any shame. I think given your record, shame is a commodity you do not possess.

    I can name a 100 things of the top of my head, that show you have no shame. In fact, I like to describe you as a shamelessly shameless man.

    I gather from your cadets that you were hurt. Ncooh, in a way that is sad.

    I am sorry though, I never meant to hurt you.

    Little did I know Professor Ndilibe Pulobulemu that you have been going through a series of operations as you are struggling to buy more breathing time from the first gentleman of the universe.

    I hear from well-placed sources that you were treated at ST. Georgia Hospital after you suffered cardiac arrest and later had another operation on your shoulders.

    All these Professor are issues that have been making rounds.

    I initially chose to treat them as mere rumours with no confirmed truth, but then came your errand boy Francis Kasaila that wasted his good English trying to refute the rumours.

    Kasaila said you “very strong and healthy,” saying opponents were simply trying to deceive Malawi and cause despondency. He was quoted by a local newspaper.

    Now, for the first time since consistent black outs, your government has never taken time to refute rumours, but this special rumour caught your minister’s eye, strange.

    I am afraid you are facing a battle you cannot win, a battle that not even your cadets, or feared generals can save you from.

    Like I said before, sickness is a no laughing matter, that is why I have chosen to put everything aside to wish you a very quick recovery Professor Ndilibe Pulobulemu.

    I am sorry I was not sensitive enough. If I had known that you are fighting for your life, I would have mocked you a little less.

    What will an all-day black out Malawi do without you?

    What will those corrupt ministers do without you?

    What will your once rumoured girlfriend Ben Phiri go with his wealth gained in a blink of an eye?

    Unlike you our dear president, you can afford operations in the US, but think of those average tax payers who depend on Mzimba Hospital that runs with an estimated cost of MK300 million for two months, apparently the very similar cost that you have spent in US with your DPP village on top of chartered jets.

    Think of such a person, how can they enjoy their sickness when you are sick?

    I chose to put everything aside and wish you a quick recovery so you can come back and continue to sleep at Sanjika Palace as Malawi runs on auto pilot.

    You are a greatest leader, a thinker and someone who enjoy jokes. You are very good at telling jokes to the suffering nation.

    “Eat Zitete” or “Zitchetche” still remains the most googled joke by the suffering Malawi, utilizing expensive internet data bundles. Talk about a double whammy?

    I care so much about you, I worry about your personal safety, and that of the nation. You are admittedly a very paranoid man, who always appears in public with full military protection.

    Which is why I am shocked, that as you slept in agony, your boy Vincent Ghambi whom you entrusted the post of deputy defense minister was busy showing his ‘Machete’ like privates to a Sendera sister via an Imo call.

    My dear Professor, when Malawi cried out loud that UNGA simply needs a delegation of just about ten people, they were fearing some of these shameless acts.

    The minister did not have anything to do and resorted to embarrassing you and the nation. Fire this minister.

    Your prolonged stay has triggered a lot of rumours Professor. Come back home and put them to rest. Long live my dear President.

    You are doing a great job driving Malawi to the greatest suffering ever.

    Let me rest my dear President before I finish all papers of my dearest diary. I still have more to write and I will continue to torture you with the cries of Malawians.

    • Uncle Bae is an anonymous Malawian analyst and columnist for Nyasa Times, Malawi.


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