I have followed event in my home country closely over the past year as I havenât been within her borders for over a year. I have gone around the globe but have always cast a glance over the proverbial shoulder in order to see how my beloved Zimbabwe is faring. I have never had a chronically ill relative to take care of, not that I wish to have one, but I can only imagine how devastating it must be, and Iâm pretty sure it feels the same way as it feels for every Zimbabwean to come from a now ailing country that has been so for the better part of two decades.
I am sure that anyone that is still in possession of their âmarblesâ can easily tell that our country, Zimbabwe, is not in a good state, which leads me to my topic today: âThe state of the nation addressâ- S.O.N.A.
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Economic Crisis
I doubt that I need to spend too many words on this topic, because I believe every Jack, Jill and Jabulani knows that Zimbabwe has been wallowing in economic misery for the past fifteen or so years. Our countryâs economy has been stewing in its own bile for the better part of two decades, and it doesnât seem like Mugabe and his cabal have a clue how to turn it around. They will come up with some policy document and give it a hilarious acronym like: S.TE.R.P. I do not need to say that as usual, it will fail dismally, only to be replaced by another such program. Sekuru Commander will blame this on sanctions, drought and corruption (which astonishingly, no one has ever been arrested for!!!). The plot thickens! With 007, oh! Sorry! Bond notes on the way, and the panic they are going to cause, resulting in people keeping their hard currency to themselves, creating black markets, time travel back to; 07 and â08. We also know that the land reform was a farce and didnât yield intended results. The country is broke; we canât make enough food for ourselves. The begging bowl again? Sweet Baby Jesus!!! Mugabe will chew his tongue with regards to this issue next week. I foresee MDC MPâs jeering. Mugabe and his fellows have lost the plot like white farmers! Pun intended!
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CANNOT Keep âem Quiet No More!
Weâve seen a drastic rise in the number of protests by Zimbabwean standards. The rise of social media. âArab springâ. Does that ring a bell? Itâs not as out of control as the âArab springâ, but it could be the genesis of a revolution! A pastor rallied the citizens, he got through to them via video messages on Whatsapp. The people heeded his call and a number of boycotts took place, violent demonstrations, a very short but eventful court case! Voila! The Pastor is in exile in the U.S.A and the situation hasnât changed much. A journo/activist disappeared, his brother always gets bleksemed by the C.I.O, some kid is causing serious heat amongst the youth because he said âFuck Youâ to the president. That was a move that was long overdue, but I did not anticipate it being said with such force and verve and the diction! My God! Lumumba you biscuit! You peach! It is very clear to all and sundry that Mugabe can no longer keep us quiet. He will however, say that he has everything in check, he will commend the police, army, intelligence and other state security organs that he thinks we donât know, and he may proceed to warn Zimbabweans that big madhala is watching and that any cyber terrorists like myself that are caught will be arrested and tortured by the notorious See 10. He may also attempt to sell us a lie that his PORTRAZ has acquired (From Israel or North Korea, or some other such naughty country), a means to read our Whatsapp messages. Now, Iâm sure youâve all come to realise that this old chap Bobby, has quite the penchant for the odd lie! Fellow Zimbabweans, if you are going to buy Bullshit (Note the capital âBâ), then please be advised to keep the receipt.
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CAN NO LONGER AFFORD TO PAY HIS THUGS AND KILLERS, AND HIS PAYMASTERS AT 10 DOWNING AND 16 PENSYLVANNIA ARENT WILLING TO HELP!
You know what it is! So, enough said!!!
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TIME BWANA!!!!
Old father time! Saddam, Gaddafi, Kim Yong Ill, Mobutu, now recently my dearest Cde Castro. All the strongmen are gone! Mugabe is the last man standing. He is senile and weary. He should rest. Allow him to go, or stress him into a stroke, or heart failure. We want the succession drama NOW! Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa has been anointed by the E.U as our David. Heâs a cool guy, he has friends in high places like Jesusâ niece, a securocratic lawyer, witty and he looks good in a suit. Heâs a Yuri Andropov kind of guy, he knows how to get the job done. I say Mnangagwa. Zimbabweans, we cannot allow grace in power! My rationale is, thereâs a reason why Lady Macbeth died before Macbeth. Mai Mujuru, not in ten years! Oh! Mugabe will say that he is as fit as a fiddle and that he intends to run for president in 2018, he will be 93/94. He will have the memory of a goldfish, he will need a diaper change every 15 minutes.
Im really looking forward to this one! It is going to be hilarious! Mugabe always finds a way to outdo himself. The world is watching!!!
By Yuri Andropov