What To Expect From Mugabe’s State Of Nation Address

Our beloved Sekuru, President, Commander in Chief and leader of everything decaying in Zimbabwe is bound to give a state of the nation address in Parliament next week, and it will be interesting to see what Zimbabwe looks like from the eyes of our fearless (mainly due to his collusion with the west he so unabashedly talks ill about but senile leader. It most certainly will be as delusional as any speech by a statesman can get, it will be worse than an opiate abusers hallucinations. I am not a world renowned and respected prophet like Prophet S. Bushiri, but I can tell you today that it will be the richest form of codswallop ever heard by mankind.The beauty of it all is that each human being on this planet was gifted with a brain and we don’t have to rely on the likes of Robert Mugabe for thought, in fact Mr Mugabe does so little of that nowadays, the coroner general should go ahead and conduct a post mortem on him. I will attempt to paint as accurate a picture on the “State of the nation” as I can using words.

1. Economic Crisis

I doubt that I need to spend too many words on this topic, because I believe every Jack, Jill and Jabulani knows that Zimbabwe has been wallowing in economic misery for the past fifteen or so years. Our country’s economy has been stewing in its own bile for the better part of two decades, and it doesn’t seem like Mugabe and his cabal have a clue how to turn it around. They will come up with some policy document and give it a hilarious acronym like: S.TE.R.P. I do not need to say that as usual, it will fail dismally, only to be replaced by another such program. Sekuru Commander will blame this on sanctions, drought and corruption (which astonishingly, no one has ever been arrested for!!!). The plot thickens! With 007, oh! Sorry! Bond notes on the way, and the panic they are going to cause, resulting in people keeping their hard currency to themselves, creating black markets, time travel back to; 07 and ’08. We also know that the land reform was a farce and didn’t yield intended results. The country is broke; we can’t make enough food for ourselves. The begging bowl again? Sweet Baby Jesus!!! Mugabe will chew his tongue with regards to this issue next week. I foresee MDC MP’s jeering. Mugabe and his fellows have lost the plot like white farmers! Pun intended!

 

2. CANNOT Keep ‘em Quiet No More!

We’ve seen a drastic rise in the number of protests by Zimbabwean standards. The rise of social media. “Arab spring”. Does that ring a bell? It’s not as out of control as the “Arab spring”, but it could be the genesis of a revolution! A pastor rallied the citizens, he got through to them via video messages on Whatsapp. The people heeded his call and a number of boycotts took place, violent demonstrations, a very short but eventful court case! Voila! The Pastor is in exile in the U.S.A and the situation hasn’t changed much. A journo/activist disappeared, his brother always gets bleksemed by the C.I.O, some kid is causing serious heat amongst the youth because he said “Fuck You” to the president. That was a move that was long overdue, but I did not anticipate it being said with such force and verve and the diction! My God! Lumumba you biscuit! You peach! It is very clear to all and sundry that Mugabe can no longer keep us quiet. He will however, say that he has everything in check, he will commend the police, army, intelligence and other state security organs that he thinks we don’t know, and he may proceed to warn Zimbabweans that big madhala is watching and that any cyber terrorists like myself that are caught will be arrested and tortured by the notorious See 10. He may also attempt to sell us a lie that his PORTRAZ has acquired (From Israel or North Korea, or some other such naughty country), a means to read our Whatsapp messages. Now, I’m sure you’ve all come to realise that this old chap Bobby, has quite the penchant for the odd lie! Fellow Zimbabweans, if you are going to buy Bullshit (Note the capital “B”), then please be advised to keep the receipt.

 

3. CAN NO LONGER AFFORD TO PAY HIS THUGS AND KILLERS, AND HIS PAYMASTERS AT 10 DOWNING AND 16 PENSYLVANNIA ARENT WILLING TO HELP!

You know what it is! So, enough said!!!

 

4. TIME BWANA!!!!

Old father time! Saddam, Gaddafi, Kim Yong Ill, Mobutu, now recently my dearest Cde Castro. All the strongmen are gone! Mugabe is the last man standing. He is senile and weary. He should rest. Allow him to go, or stress him into a stroke, or heart failure. We want the succession drama NOW! Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa has been anointed by the E.U as our David. He’s a cool guy, he has friends in high places like Jesus’ niece, a securocratic lawyer, witty and he looks good in a suit. He’s a Yuri Andropov kind of guy, he knows how to get the job done. I say Mnangagwa. Zimbabweans, we cannot allow grace in power! My rationale is, there’s a reason why Lady Macbeth died before Macbeth. Mai Mujuru, not in ten years!  Oh! Mugabe will say that he is as fit as a fiddle and that he intends to run for president in 2018, he will be 93/94. He will have the memory of a goldfish, he will need a diaper change every 15 minutes.

Im really looking forward to this one! It is going to be hilarious! Mugabe always finds a way to outdo himself. The world is watching!!!

By Yuri Andropov