The war on independence, waged by the Mugabe family

From a Vice President under siege, to a wife proclaiming the bedroom coup to be well and truly lit, and Ndebele people forced to listen to a language they don't speak, here is 8 things we learnt from Saturday's rally.
File Pic: Grace Mugabe attends a rally in the company of her husband, the former President, RG Mugabe

Their (You Know Whose) War On (You Know Whose) Independence

Instructions: Read in quick talking voice-over voice.

You want a new title on a day that titles are being given out? You got wallop loads of cash from tithes? Well then! You earn yourself a title among ‘the greats’!

You don’t like how the history books keep leaving you out in the action narrative? You don’t like your own reality that you were a busboy and nowhere near the front lines during action? That’s ok, just take over the country and for enough money there is always a verbose, equally eager for recognition at all costs creative writer just for you!

Romanticise war. But using it as a veiled threat of what will happen should anyone stand in the way of you acquiring all the spoils of war. Laud a war that has had heroes on rotation to suit a new narrative, we have all lost track of the real war. Because it was for independence, but the definition of independence seems to have been lost along the way.

You want people to like you? You want people to show that they like you by wearing your face all over their bodies in personalised garb that you have sold to them? Easy! Threaten and bully your way. They will cover themselves in your face, compose songs, choreograph buttock wriggling moves, praise singers outdoing themselves in iambic pentameter, while internationally reknown scultpors recreate a leaning soapstone…thing!

Look, there are times the only person that you need in acquiescence with you is, well, your partner-in-crime so to speak. So what do you do when you anticipate outspoken nuisance activists and their misinformed democracy and independent out-spoken upstarts begin to challenge your dark deeds and plans? (I cannot believe you’d even ask!) Change the national constitution more frequently than your bowel movements! That will keep them all in place in a sewer free flowing country, typhoid and cholera running gleefully rampant and unchecked!

You don’t like people making fun at your expense? You don’t want to face your truth every day? Track Martha down from her social media and jail a twenty-five year old who makes a damn good cocktail, and make an example of her by sending her to maximum security prison for retweeting a retweet of a retweet from a tweet. Tell her it’s her own fault for insulting and undermining you. While of course, all your speeches are heavy insults from your deputies’ bedroom conquests or not.

You are losing friends faster than you are making them? That’s ok. There’s always a dubious religious order ready to laugh out loudly at your mean-girl jibes and cash in on the 1000 tonnes of plastic rice from China that you donate to them.

Have a minor ailment that needs attending to? Well, Easy! Leave paying passengers stranded and waylay entire plane with of course up to, but not restricted to, seventy deputies to fly along to Singapore! Where do these plebiscites deign to fly on an aeroplane to anyway?! Use a couple of million for this trip for minor ailment – scratchy chest perhaps, and be sure to get a doctor’s sick note for HR, that says that you are entitled to a week off; and of course the note that says return for follow-up in 12 days’ time. Where you will drop a few million dollars. All this goes on while your own Minister of Health found a container, painted it a sickly yellow, and called it a state-of-the-art hospital in the middle of nowhere. If it even cost a couple hundred dollars, left over after Singapore hospital visits, one would applaud.

Don’t forget the sanctions! The sanctions, I tell you! They are the reason for your failure as a paragon of independence and majority rule. They are the reason for your catastrophic performance in office, leading to the displacement of millions. These dastard sanctions are the cause of you being the icon of failure, humiliation and shame. Failure as a beacon of hope, but instead, wherever you both traipse, there is sure to be death and destruction of what little hope we had left, of what little sensibility we cling on to in these most anxious and most certainly not independent times.

Always react with a hostile take-over. When people question your power, your sanity, show them who is really in charge. Take over a dam that was officially opened in 1920 – those blasted forward thinking whites are certainly going to turn in their graves now! And when the nation speaks up even more, show really that not only do you not know anything about environmental conservation, farming, communal land, national features and invade a game park! Naturally, that is how it’s done, and when that gets an even bigger uproar or laugh, viciously remove already homeless and struggling families, because you know – independence and the war and all that.

That is how a ‘power couple’ do things. How they claim your independence. By overstating theirs.

This sounds like an advert, right?

Well, it’s not. It’s about a little dictatorship named Zimbabwe.

Fast paced female voice ends off: The writer takes no responsibility for these views as they were a vision visited upon them by his/her own ancestors. The writer is currently at a retreat in the hills seeking ancestral advice from aforementioned dubious religious sect, on how to purge oneself of such dangerous views as they have previously been deemed illegal in a democratic country with by a democratically rigged elected President and Wife. Ts and Cs apply.